Group 42-Sells Out! - The Information Archive/Group 42 Sells Out (Group 42) (1996).iso/faqs/atstless.txt

Text File | 1995-11-30 | 49KB | 935 lines

Archive-name: tasteless-faq
Last-Modified: 1994/7/7
Time-estimate: The intro takes two minutes to read and is worthwhile. Impatient
WWW-types can http://nyx10.cs.du.edu:8001/~jnash/alt.tasteless.html

                     WELCOME TO ALT.TASTELESS

1. What is alt.tasteless?

A newsgroup devoted to tasteless phenomena in all its forms.
A place for people with a twisted and sick sense of humour.
In alt.tasteless we like to get into the details: short jokes have their forum
in alt.tasteless.jokes, we want the feel of it, the smell of it, the stench of
it, every little rotten and puss-oozing detail. And then of course some rough
gifs of it in alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless. You should never post gif's to
alt.tasteless, as it might cause some news admins to kill the group at their site.

Some examples of popular alt.tasteless posts:

The joys of raping epileptics / the dead / pregnants / minors / small furry
animals with big wet eyes.

"The worst (scrotal/nasal/rectal) operation I've ever had".

The joys of vomiting / farting / pissing / shitting / picking your nose /
masturbating / menses / giving birth to children / sweating / slobbering.

Tasteless sex acts.

  But tastes differ even within the tasteless kingdom. Some like a story of
a little boy sitting on the throne shouting 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'
whereas others favour the weeping spastic on the toilet, desperately struggling
not to miss the bowl screaming 'Me go plop-plop! Me go plop-plop!'. The first
is a simple example of pleasure in taking a dump (which is per definition
tasteless - not to say forbidden: things you shouldn't talk about coming out a
hole you shouldn't talk about making a sound you should discuss in every
detail..er, sorry making a sound you shouldn't talk about). The second example
brings more sophistication and delicacy into the sordid affair, and is thus
labelled as being more 'mature', the name of the label apparently chosen because
innocent children (or innocent adults, for that matter) will not find it funny,
except perhaps the 'plop-plop!' bit. This difference in taste was debated a
while ago and ended thus:

> I'm confused. Could someone explain the concept of intelligent,
> mature tastelessness.

Original, non-monotonous material, either based on fact or vividly graphic
or repulsive image provking, command of spelling and grammar to the level
of comprehensible.

Examples of !(not)tastelessness: boring fiction, recycled fraternity jokes,
excessive pointless profanity, vanilla sex, elementary playground 'eww gross'
urban legends, license plates, funny names, 90% of all flaming, "Because his
dick tastes of blood", "Hearing the pelvic bone snap", "Oops, I farted", all the
other short jokes, "Exploding Whale", "Scrotum self-repair" and "flaming gerbil
up the ass", as well as some others. Post your own creations. And get the old
stuff at our ftp site, and tire of it in the comfort of your own living room.

  Additionally, please note that this is not alt.tacky or alt.bad.taste. This
means that merely saying 'Bee Gees, ha ha ha' is not enough, you will generally
have to couple it with something really tasteless to make other people laugh.
And yes, we have heard zillions of puke and huge bowel movement stories. But
don't let that keep you from posting one, much rather this should raise your
ambitions and thus the quality of your story.

  Then having sussed out that your post is too interesting, intelligent, sick,
twisted and funny to be wasted in alt.tasteless.jokes, rec.humor, alt.evil,
sci.med, alt.stupidity, alt.sex.bestiality, alt.urban.legend, soc.college and so
on, you choose alt.tasteless and post. The group is unmoderated and the subject
line of your article will be seen by approx. 140.000 people worldwide. WOW!
What will happen next?

1. Some will ignore it.
2. Some will read part of it, then skip to the next article.
3. Some will read the whole thing.
4. Maybe one or more person(s) will reply to you telling you what they thought
   of the article. They might even follow it up if they have something to add.

This is sadly the ideal picture. People will follow-up even though they have
nothing to add, although you have to suffer from a severe case of tasteless
talent and luck to ever experience case 4. Some very good tasteless posts have
generated absolutely no response, or in other words the same response as you'd
get if you wrote it on a piece of paper only to flush it out the toilet. Then
why post?
Because you fucking feel like it!

   Every now and then a dickless weasel constipated on his own religion or set
of values will bother the noble freethinkers in a.t. with his standard 'This is
not funny' drivel. Best thing is to ignore him, next to mailing him with the
likewise standard reply 'Then why do you read it?'. A follow-up is not a good
solution here, unless you choose to flame him to ashes in such an inspired way
that the readers of alt.tasteless also benefits (and this is very very hard).
YOU ARE THEN STRONGLY ENCOURAGED TO SET THE FOLLOW-UP TAG TO "Followup-To:
alt.flame". After all, we have important work to do here. This formal
information may make alt.tasteless seem like a terribly boring place, but
all the stuff that has been recommended (not commanded!) thus far has been
recommended in order to make the newsgroup (believe it or not) more chaotic,
and not a boring newsgroup with 3 month cycles.

    It's our hope that you'll now feel WELCOME IN ALT.TASTELESS!

           Post quality. Encourage quality. Discourage crap.

That's the simple secret to keeping alt.tasteless a living forum and community.
We'd rather see 12 good posts in a year from your keyboard than 12 crap ones in
a week. You'll even get more respect that way. Also, thank people for amusing
you. That's the only payment they get. And don't be afraid to tell badly
educated idiots to shape up. That's probably the only education they get, and
if they can't take the heat, they don't belong.

The rest of this document is dedicated to your education and amusement, but if
you wish to perform chapter skipping/browsing, tell your editor to search for
the character "|", and it'll take you to the next chapter. In the nn newsreader
this can be done by pressing "/", "|" and "[ENTER]".
The items on the menu are:
O  A boring dictionary.
O  An informative encyclopedia.
O  An amusing 'Answers to Frequently Asked Questions' part.
O  Some not all that amusing but still worthwhile information.

THE ALT.TASTELESS PHRASE BOOK/DICTIONARY.

       This attempt is in no way complete, and aimed at people generally new to
the net:

:-) Tilt your head to the right. Yep, it's a cock about to penetrate. Figures
    like this one is used when people have just said something naughty, sort of
    a "Know what I mean know what I mean nudge nudge wink wink say no more say
    no more"
*[word]*: Asteriks are used either for *emphasis*, or to indicate that it's a
          sound...like *plop* *plop* *plop* ("Buaah, I want to die because I'm
          a spastic").
AKA: Also known as
AMPALLANG: Piercing of the glans of the penis (the head). Runs horizontally
           above the urethra and has origins in Borneo.
APADRAVYA: Vertical piercing through the glans, or sometimes through the shaft
           of the penis just behind the glans. Mentioned in the original Kama
           Sutra.
ARCHIE: A database. News.answers is, as usual, helpful with a monthly posting.
        Another way to find out more is to mail [e-mail] with the
        Subject: 'help'.
ASAP: As soon as possible.
BEARS:  Person, usually male, whose physical characteristics tend toward the
        husky and hirsute.
BTW: By the way
CASCADE: Netnews' public chain letter. Add a line and feel proud.
CHOAD: See somewhere below
CHURD: A fecal dildo.
DURIAN: Large oval tasty but foul-smelling fruit with a prickly rind. Comes from
        an East Indian tree, who shall remain nameless.
DYDOE: Piercing through the ridge of the glans, usually done on the side of the
       head and often in pairs. This piercing was originally done by Jewish men
       who wished to enhance their sexual pleasure (which they thought had been
       diminished by circumcision).
FECO-STALAGMITE: Euphemism denoting the majestic molehill of shit found nesting
                 in the bowl of clogged toilets.
FELCHING: Sucking cum out of an arsehole. Who/what the cum and arsehole belongs
          to is up to your imagination and health standards. If you have trouble
          reaching, use a straw. The Kakasutra will tell a bit more.
FRENUM: Piercing through the skin of the penis, on the underside just behind the
        glans. Often a large ring that circles the penis under the ridge of the
        glans is worn through this piercing. This provides stimulation to both
        partners during intercourse and acts much like a cock ring.
FTP: File Transfer Protocol. The program that makes it possible for you to get
     stuff stored at other sites, be it Gifviewers or demented stories.
     News.answers has a monthly posting about FTP'ing. You can also send mail to
     [e-mail] with the body of the message reading "help" or
     "send usenet/news.answers/finding-sources"
GIF: Graphic Interchange Format. A picture format common on the net.
     news.answers has an informational posting on the alt.binaries.pictures
     groups where all is explained.
GOPHER: A client that makes you browse the net with ease. Comp.infosystems.
        gopher will help you. Or just type 'gopher' at your prompt and see what
        happens.
GUICHE: Piercing of the web of flesh that runs between the anus and the scrotum.
        A weight is often suspended from a guiche.
GROGAN: A piece of shit.
HAFADA: Piercing on the side of the scrotal sac originally done to Arab boys
        as a rite of passage.
HAGGIS: Scottish delicacy made by filling a sheeps paunch with grinded
        intestines, barley and a shot of scotch.
IMHO: In my hog-fucking opinion.
IRC: Inter Relay Conference/Chat, a program that lets you 'talk' to other users.
     Your site might have it, type 'irc' and see what happens. You will might
     stumble into tasteless discussions. The 1st global alt.tasteless IRC party
     lasted for around 6 hours with a total of 67 participants.
JIC: Just in case.
JPEG or JPG: Another digital picture format. Like gif. News.answers and the
             groups in the alt.binaries.pictures hierarcy has monthly postings
             on the subject.
KAKA SUTRA: Affectionate name for 'The Canonical List of Tasteless Sex Acts'.
KILL FILE: A feature in most newsreaders. If you put a person in your kill file,
           your newsreader will ignore articles by that person. Read the man
           pages of your newsreader to find out how it works, or ask locally.
           After the introduction of kill files there's absolutely no excuse
           for wasting other peoples time with sour 4-line follow-ups.
LJBF: "Let's just be friends". Sentence usually utterred by girl when offered a
      good squicking.
MOTSS: Member of the same sex.
OB: Usually a prefix to ObTasteless. Ob means 'obligatory', and you usually
    append an ObTasteless at the end of your post if it hasn't been sufficiently
    tasteless. Later in this article you can see how the Ob is used.
OOBE: Out Of Body Experience. Something you experience during a very good shit.
PRINCE AlBERT: Piercing that consists of a ring which goes through the urethra
               and out behind the glans.
QUEEF: Pussy fart, vart, fanny fart.
QUEEN KRISTINA: Piercing of the clitoris hood.
REAMING: Getting fucked vigorously up the colon.
RIMMING: Sphinchter licking.
RTFM: Read the fucking manual. In alt.tasteless this will almost always be the
      alt.tasteless Kama Sutra (See Mailorder).
SIC: 'Yes, though hard to believe, this is, in fact, an exact quote'.
SO: Significant other, will generally mean your loved one.
SQUICKING: See this post or 'Tasteless sex acts'.
TWINK(IE): Generally, a cute young (male) thing (CYT). Known as "golden,
           cream-filled, and ready to be eaten."  (Etymology:  In the US,
           Twinkies(tm) are snack cakes with these same properties.)
VOMIT-STALACTITE: aka Stalactovomite, the result of puking on the cieling.
WRT: With reference/respect to.
WAIS: Wide Area Information Server. Learn in comp.infosystems.wais
WWW: World Wide Web. Net.wide global hypertext. Read comp.infosystems.www.


| ENCYCLOPEDIA HORRIBLIUS

ASSWIPING
Most male alt.tastelessers wipe front to back with their right hand, usually
sitting, leaning invitingly to the left. All look at the paper after the
wipe and some taste it and kiss it.

BUMPER-STICKER
If you or your friends or your family (or the family next door) would like your
very own official "Save the CHOAD!" bumper sticker for only 2$ a piece (very
cheap), e-mail [e-mail] to get more details.
In the words of The Maker: "Tasteless denizens everywhere can now identify
themselves to other tasteless bastards!"

CHOAD
A long-neglected and abused synonym for "penis", the word "choad" dates back a
good long time.  We think maybe it's from Middle English but we're all too
damned lazy to check the OED.  Anyway, while kept barely alive during the '60's
and '70's by underground comics, the word "choad" has recently enjoyed a
resurrection and a re-erection on alt.tasteless.  The tireless literary antics
of David Garrett and Adam Thornton ([e-mail] and [e-mail].
edu) have nearly succeeded in revamping the word, bringing it to its full turgid
glory. It has been reported that Beavis and Butthead have been known to use the
word "choad" and the more common compound noun "choadsmoker" to mean, roughly,
"a gobbler of nobs." The next time you're about to casually toss off a reference
to a "willy", a "wankie", a "dick", a "Throbbing PleasureProng (TM)", a "Purple-
Headed SnotNazi (TM)", or a "schlong", think again, and substitute the word
"choad" instead.  Become a Friend of the Choad:  make it possible for the choad
to once again roam the vocabularies of the world, its head held proudly erect.
A choadstool is then what we call the fungal growth found on an unwashed
scrotum.

CUNT
A cunt by any other name, its smell as rank. Cunt is "Vittu" [v!too] in finnish,
and "Pusquish" [pus squish] in Cree. The germans yell "Fotze" [fawt-tse] under
normal circumstances, and "M0se" when they want to indicate that the cunt in
question is slightly smaller, a little pinkier and more wet than the usual
slobbering crotch wound.

DOGS
Are frequently rather tasteless. Apart from eating the fecal matter of almost
any other mammal, they are also pretty keen on tampons, condoms and socks.
It might be a profound wish for another tail that makes the dogs eat these
objects that'll inevitable end up hanging out their puss-oozing and mite ridden
asses. They're also familar with shitting and vomiting in the living room. The
life of a canine is one long party.

DRUGS
A recommendation: Take all, and in as large quantities as possible.
We especially recommend Dimethyl Sulfate. Not only does it randomly unwind and
reform your DNA profile, it has also "been known to cause spontaneous cancerous
lesions in rats". The official warning continues:
"Extremely hazardous. No warning characteristics (e.g. odour, irritation).
Delayed appearance of symptoms may permit unnoticed exposure to lethal
quantities. Liquid produces severe blistering, necrosis of the skin... Vapours,
after relatively asymptomatic latent period, cause severe inflammation and
necrosis of the eyes, mouth, respiratory tract. Severe and fatal pulmonary
damage may result. Systematically causes prostration, convulsions, delerium,
paralysis, coma, delayed damage to kidneys, liver, heart with ensuing death in
severe cases" - "have a big night on DMS and come home in a bucket"

EXPLOSIVES
We will of course help you getting disfigured enough for us to be amused, so
here's what you do if you're too afraid to ask the alt.pyrotechnics experts how
to make acetone peroxide or some other funny stuff:
  Get US Army Technical Manual 31-210 1969 "Improvised Munitions Handbook":
The Improvised Munitions Handbook generally gets okay reviews; it
contains a whole bunch of recipes for making explosives etc. out of handy
chemicals. You can get it from several sources, gun shows, or for $5 from
Sierra Supply.
  Sierra Supply, PO Box 1390 Durango, CO 81302 (303)-259-1822.
Sierra sells a bunch of army surplus stuff, including technical
manuals such as the Improvised Munitions Handbook.
Sierra has a $10 minimum order + $4 postage.  Catalog $1.
  I believe Paladin press also distribute this series and they will mail
overseas.
Other good sources are The Poor Mans James Bond, and The Anarchists Cookbook.
They can be found in most large bookshops. Or ftp to ftp.spies.com
/Library/Untech and get what they have.

JOKES
alt.tasteless.jokes is now taking care of all the short jokes. And rec.humor
has the "Canonical List of [rude, mommy mommy, dead baby etc. etc.] jokes".
Ask them. Or get them from our ftp site (details somewhere below).

NAMBLA
The North American Man/Boy Love Association is a civil rights/political
organization.  They support CONSENSUAL intergenerational relationships and help
educate society about the true nature of such relationships. NAMBLA publishes a
Bulletin ten times a year which is sent by first class mail to its members. (It
includes news, feature articles, letters, book reviews, short stories, etc.)
They also publish a literary Journal (literary gifted alt.tastelessers take
note, this might be your way to fame), books and other material (all of which
are strictly legal). For further discussions contact Roy Radow ([e-mail]).
He is their spokesperson on the net. For a packet containing a sample Bulletin,
publications list and membership information send $1.00 postage to:
NAMBLA Info, Dept.RR, PO Box 174, Midtown Station, NYC NY 10018.

SHIT
The brown color of feces is caused by stercobilin and urobilin, which are
derivatives of bilirubin. Bilirubin, a main constituent of bile, is derived
from breakdown products of dead red blood cells, specifically the toxic parts
of the heme ring from hemoglobin molecules. That's why athletes on steroids
have white shit: the steroids fuck up the liver so it can't throw the toxic
stuff into the feces where it belongs.
The odor is caused principally by the products of bacterial action; these vary
from one person to another, depending on each person's colonic bacterial flora
and on the type of food eaten. The actual odoriferous products include indole,
skatole, mercaptans, and hydrogen sulfide. Eating lots of fat will give you
the nastiest smelling shits if you make sure it doesn't stay in the colon for
too long. A pound of pork chops followed by gin, a laxative or an enema is a
sure winner among scatalogical connaisseurs.

SMEGMA
A cheesy, sebaceous secretion that forms between the foreskin and the glans of
the penis of male mammals. Having smelt it few have the nerve to coat their
tongue with it or swallow it. A shame really as this homegrown product easily
outcompetes the flavours of all the cheeses made from milk (except the cheese
made from dingo's milk).

SOOTIKIN OR SUTIKIN
A small, mouse-shaped deposit formed in the vaginal cleft, usually of poorer
women who did not wear undergarments - common until the nineteenth century.  A
sootikin built up over several weeks, even months, of not washing.  It was
composed of particles of soot, dirt, sweat, smegma (qv) and vaginal and
menstrual discharge.  When it reached a certain size and weight, it tended to
work loose and drop from under the woman's skirt.  Contemporary writings,
including those of Pepys and Boswell, mention men employed in London churches to
sweep up sootikins after services.  There even exists one scurrilous account,
from an anonymous source, of a tell-tale sootikin being allegedly found under -
or suspiciously close to - Queen Anne's chair in St Paul's Cathedral during the
Thanksgiving Service for the end of the War of the Spanish Succession.

SQUICKING (see also 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
The practice one takes up when skull fucking becomes tedious.
Skull fucking is the easiest of the two acts, as you only have to remove your
partners eye to get somewhere to stick your thingy. A proper squicking requires
you to trephine your partner (make a hole in your partners skull) and pork its
brain this way. Aiming for the gap between the two hemispheres is said to
provide you with firestorming orgasms. Geoff Miller comments: I posted that a
year ago, and I *made it up!* I just figured that was the only activity that
would make a "squicking" noise, with the possible exception of slipping the
salami to a sucking chest wound. Mr. Miller himself prefers the basic squicking
where the hole is located at the top of the head. Caza (a french comic artist)
has this description accompaining a picture of prime squicking: 'The wound that
never heals, the scar after the sacrificial act gaped rosy red and soft, shining
and new...infinitely virginal ... Having bathed a whole world in blood,
commander Aries defiled Lailahs brow with his spunk'. The name of the comic is
'Lailah' and it also has a good story about a man getting raped by a frog/woman.
If you like Corben, this might be a comic for you. Scott M Hampton has also
mentioned 'Woulffes Guide To Practical Squicking' as a fine introduction to
squicking. It goes like this:

Tools: A hammer and chisel, a quarter round wood rasp, a hand drill with
at least a 3/8" metal cutting bit (not a spade drill, damn it), and a ink pen.

Supplies: A partner, and suitable restraints. You may want some rags.

Preperation: Tie partner (victim, partner, the difference is a subtle thing
best left to linguists with free time. There's fun to be had now.) securely.
Make certain the forehead is available and clean. Make a horizontal line
about 2" above the eyebrows. Mark the center of the line between your
partners eyebrows. Assemble tools, placing drill bit securely in chuck. Plug
drill in. Get a beer, prepare yourself mentally. This is going to be great!

Proceedure: Drill hole thru skull at mark on forehead. Using chisel and
hammer, open the hole up to about 1/4" larger than your ManTool (TM Geoff).
Then, use the rasp to knock off the rough spots -- no sense getting any
scratches or scrapes on the ol Piston of Love. At this point you can pause and
remove the restraints on your partner 'cause they aren't moving much by now.
Position your partner for maximum comfort and pleasure -- no, you idiot --
YOUR pleasure. Harumph.

Now, slide your engorged PleasureSnake slowly between your partners frontal
hemispheres. The involuntary twitches this produces are one of the most
pleasant sensations known to man. Real men, that is. If you were a neatness
weinie and wiped up all the external blood, it may take a while for the
internal bleeding to make the ride smooth, but otherwise there is plenty
of lube for the job right at hand. Pump hearty, you are in for the orgasm
of a lifetime!

Clean up: Dispose of partner in an environmentally sound way, such as roast
and stew meat. Happy eating!

The variations are of course endless. The guru in this field is Geoff Miller
([e-mail]). But please do only contact him in expert
matters concerning squicking, as he cannot spend time learning newbies vanilla
squicking.

Squick is also used as a synonyme for 'being pushed beyond ones limits'
in alt.sex.bondage. Therefore you'll sometimes experience people using the word
'Squick' in posts completely devoid of any skull-fucking related activity
(i.e.: 'That article really squicked me' or 'He squicked my arsehole')


THE STOOL GAME
(From 'Tasteless Sex Acts')
[e-mail]:
                        THE STOOL GAME
                        official rules
Two men sit in front of each other in a bathtub wanking. When the spunk/
water amount is 50:50, you start playing. Both put their feet on the sides
of the bathtub, and try to push their stool as far out as they can,
without losing it. It's extremely funny pushing it far out, then pulling it
in again, and many experience a wonderful orgasm during this play.
The winner is the man that can push the stool the most far out, and then
still be able to retract it.

One suggested variation is to trade a stool back and forth, the loser being the
one to "drop" the stool. Not to be confused with the almost similar Wicca
ritual.


THE ALT.TASTELESS T-SHIRT

The T-Shirts are Hanes Beefy, printed on both sides (a small
alt.tasteless bit on the front, the Fuck the Skull of Jesus
on the back (fnovhtu.tu-graz.ac.at /pub/tasteles/fuckthes.gif).

The cost is US$ 16 each. This includes Richard B. Ling's prize
money (for having designed this incredible shirt), A t-shirt for
Stinkfoot (for amost having won the contest), taxes, and postage
within the USA. 3 or more shirts cost $15 each.
When ordering at [e-mail] (Glenn A. Cazenave),
please specify the following:

Size: Small through XXL is available. XXL is $2 extra.

Colour: Black, white, grey, yellow, pink, light blue.

We will need Postal Money Orders (only) as payment $16.00 (1-3) $15.00 (3+)
that should include postage and 7.5% Ca.tax for orders within the US.
Int'l Surface Mail is $1 extra. All orders prepaid. Postal Money Order only.

sincerely,

2 on 1 Systems
301 Santa Fe Ave
Point Richmond, CA 94801

But do check with [e-mail] if there are any more left, before sending
off money.

URINE
Can just as shit be percieved by all 5 senses and the special 6th bodily fluid
sense that the old time alt.tastelesser unavoidably develops, so I will not go
into detail with the rancid bladdersplash itself. Rather the info will concern
its sterility; can we safely drink it? Yes, we can.

    How ones body responds to this refreshment depends on a number of things,
the most important being the concentration of waste products in this wine for
gods. If you drink someones urine after they've had a sixpack, your kidneys
will not be overworked with the extra waste products, but it may not then have
the desired taste/smell/consistency. To help your kidneys you should always
drink a lot of water after your pee games. You could for example follow the
piss quaffing up with the drowning games (I for one, always tend to drink a lot
of water during these).

   The berserkers (rough translation: The Bear Vests) were a happy tribe of
vikings in Denmark around year 800 that had a habit of going berserk. My
history book informs me that they used the alkaloid amanitin found in the
mushroom Amanita. The trick was to boil the mushroom, let the strongest warrior
drink the stuff, and have the other drink his piss, a trick also known among
siberian, lappish and finnish tribes.  The participants got moderately stoned
and generally managed some transcendental experience. This practice is
described as limited exclusively to men. The mushroom, Amanita Muscaria/Fly
Agaric/Fluesvamp produces less nausea when it has been filtered in another
humans body. Most people dismiss the idea that the mushroom was used to induce
berserker rage, as the mushroom doesn't work that way. The prospect of killing,
raping and mutilating other human beings should be sufficient. If you're going
to eat mushrooms, drink piss etc., stick to the mushrooms with psilocybes in
them. They are much more effective.

      The most famous peedrinker was good ol' Mahatma Gandhi. His mornings
would start with him emptying his pottie in a good swig, allegedly for 'The
health of the spirit'. Truly the sign of a great statesman. Prime Minister
Morarji Desai followed in the piss trickle and drank piss each morning when he
reigned (1977-1979). Lucky were the other leaders that had conversations with
him on mornings where he had forgot to brush his teeth. No information as to the
pee drinking habits of the current indian prime minister. Why drink pee then?

  The scientific explanation is that urine, and morning urine in particular,
contains high amounts of melatonine, which is a hormone produced by the epiphyse
during the night. Apart from having a soothing and painkilling effect
melatonine also cheats the body into believing that it has slept more than it
actually has. This manifests itself as a feeling of well-being and refreshment.
The piss of sexually immature children contains more melatonine than adult piss,
which explains the exhilaration one feels when lapping up infant piss. I have
for one always been sure that the happiness wasn't just psychological. So Maybe
you should spend more time as I: lurking in the bushes near the playground
forcing the kids to piss in my smurf beer mug. You'll feel much better and much
more equanimous. Cheers.

  Oh, and while we're at it. Don't eat asparagus before drinking your pee.
Asparagus has an amino acid in it that makes your yellow drops smell horribly,
as well as changing the taste. And don't drink piss from a person with a
contagious disease unless you really want it. Speaking of that, Mitch Davis
([e-mail]) is the current piss adviser of alt.tasteless. Ask
him anything wee wee related you like, he'll be happy to help you.

VEGEMITE
    -can be bought in some health stores and isn't really the canned stool
sample that rumour claim it is. Here are some first hand experiences with the
edible caca:  "I too have had vegemite. I found a stock in a "health food"
store. US$ 2.69 for a 4 ounce (113 gram) jar. "5 calories per serving". It
has an odd, purply-brown color, and a smooth, thick, sticky texture. The
"axle-grease" association is accurate. It does indeed have quite a strong
salty, yeasty flavor, and you had better spread it on _very_ thinly. I think it
looks like a substance from my native land called "catfish dough bait", only
said bait is a bit grainier, not as creamy. Catfish dough bait has a thick,
liverish, bloody odor to it, and appeared to be a compound of mud, blood and
pureed liver. On a hot day, opening the tub of dough bait and inhaling deeply
could give you vertigo and motion sickness. I find it hard to believe that
"marmite" has a stronger, more vicious taste than vegemite. "Vegemite" has a
pretty vicious aftertaste, and because of the yeast extract, it tends to come
back to you later, in belches. It's also one of those foods with such a
peculiar taste that no matter what you eat after- wards, vegemite is the taste
that sticks with you."

"It is very strong, try a little, then impress your friends with what looks
like eating slabs of bread wiped in black excrement."

  "Well, as a New Zealander, I can truthfully say that Marmite is the
only real yeast extract worth eating. Vegemite is for wimps, while
Marmite is for real men. It has a much stronger, more vicious
aftertaste than Vegemite."

  "It was the grossest thing I ever tasted. It's about as thick as peanut
butter, and to say it tastes like shit would be an understatement."

INGREDIENTS:
Yeast extract (comes from the grunge that is left over after the beer brewing
process), sea salt, potassium chloride, malt extract, caramel color,
natural flavor, niacin, thiamine hydorchloride, riboflavin.

Serving size: 3.25 gram
Servings per container: 35  (big lie: I ate about a third of the container,
and it was well over 100 servings)
Cheese and vegemite sandwiches are so common in Australia that the manufacturer
(Kraft) now sells premixed cheese&vegemite slices (they are a greyish colour,
and very nice between buttered white bread, possibly with some lettuce)

ObTrivia:  Vegemite was invented after Marmite, and for a short time
was called Parwill (get the pun? Mar mite, Par will. Ho ho!).
"Vegemite" was the result of a renaming contest in the 30s(?).
Let it also be known that Vegemite is available in 99% of Australian
shops that stock spreads. IE, if the shop has jam, honey or peanut
butter, then it almost certainly has vegemite as well.

YEAST
Is not that interesting in itself. But vaginal yeast infections are a riot.
The infection occurs when the usual healthy balance between the yeast and the
bacteria in the vagina disappears. Taking antibiotics can alter this balance.
The treatment is to gulp down Lactobacillus acidophillus (yogurt culture) and
shove it up your cunt. The idea of 'tank war' (a fine stripper act) might have
started when a group of yeast infected women could think of nothing better than
to walk like crabs, and using their vaginal muscles, shoot the yogurt at each
other.
Men too can get yeast infections on the counterproductive organ, especially if
he has a good sized foreskin. Yeast infections love these nobby hide-outs. It's
warm, it's moist, and there's a lot of smegma to thrive on. Yeast infections
usually shows up after some days of hefty wanking and dubious hygiene as a
reddish raddish. If you're not a spoil sport and start washing the glans with
hospital soap, you can watch as the rash turns into little red sores that'll
itch more and more. Before good soap was invented the cure was to hold the
foreskin closed when pissing until it was bloated with piss as a frogs airbag is
bloated with air, then let fly all over yourself and the toilet. Stuff in the
urine should then clean out the yeast.  Male yeast infections:  For the biggest
effect do the Macbeth routine and wash your nob hysterically so it's gets
completely dried out and itchy for some time, until the body responds and
produces vast amounts of smegma to get the balance right again.  This is good,
but if you relentlessly roll the foreskin back and forth while you fondle the
back of your testicles with your left hand, some sticky stuff will suddendly
come out. Smear this on the sore covered nob, and repeat until all skin has
been peeled of the raddish.


| ANSWERS TO FREQUENTLY ASKED QUESTIONS/USEFUL INFORMATION:

   1. My site doesn't carry alt.tasteless/alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless,
      what can I do about it?

Best bet: Grovel at the feet of your news admin.
If that doesn't work you'll have to read it/post to it from another site.
You're smart enough to suss out how to do it yourself. Because you know
that news.answer holds the answer in one of its postings. Namely the one
called "How to Receive Banned Newsgroups FAQ" by Joseph Gebis
([e-mail]             http://www.cen.uiuc.edu/~jg11772/home.html)



   2. Archives?

      a.t. isn't fully archived, but some of the best articles of the year are
stored at The Official Alt.tasteless ftp-site:

ftp://oak.forest.net/pub/tasteless
Your nice host and contact person here is Chris Kilbourn ([e-mail])
He asks you to keep your ftp-sessions to evenings and nights if you're
situated in the US. Europeans should ftp in the morning, and aussies
should do it high noon.

What's on it?

This is what might be on it. You should check it once in a while or
read FAQ diffs (a companion posting to this FAQ posting).

Filename         Length   Description

arch_91.zip       86420   Best of A.T 1991
arch_92.zip      259634   Best of A.T 1992
arch_93.zip      343073   Best of A.T 1993
arch_94.zip      856145   Best of A.T 1994
intro.zip         46565   A.T FAQ, 1994 A.T Survey
ircparty.zip     120410   Logfiles of A.T IRC parties 1992, 93, 94

The following two are really important:

tast-faq          46035   The alt.tasteless Frequently Asked Questions
                          File. Newbies ought to learn this by heart
                          before posting.

taste.law          1970   Weekly FAQ. Read this!

Then there's the standard files:

standard.zip     75709    Alt.Tasteless.Jokes joke collection [Sheesh
                          do these kids need to learn spelling], band
                          names, Joy of Vomit, Shitlist, Mr. Ed's
                          story, Nevyn's story, a.t. Songs, bodily
                          functions survey.

standar2.zip     69457    WIRED's article on alt.tasteless, buttplug
                          info, choad info, fisting info, scrotum self
                          repair, the Kakasutra, King Shit postings.

There's also a good number of pictures. I'm not sure of what you'll be able
to download when you connect. But this should be a fairly sure bet:

crap.jpg: "Mainlining". A woman shitting down a guys mouth. HB2a.GIF AND HB6.GIF.
bumper.gif: The "Save the choad" a.t. bumper sticker.
legstump.jpg: An attractive (i.e. old, fat) lady missing a bit in the leg department.
hosedout.jpg: An impressive anal squirt by two former cub scouts.
ick11.jpg: The balls of the elephant man.
protein.jpg: A full figured lady getting even more protein.
herm_a?.jpg: Man or woman? Priest or businessman?
mcafee.gif: The awe inspiring colonic might of Sean McAfee, a.t. hero.
octpussy.jpg: Wierd - and arousing - piercing in the cunt lips.
shock.jpg: Giving head.
split.gif: A split penis.
bobbit?.jpg: Two stills from the trial.
no_hands.jpg: A kid who just could keep away from the cookie jar.
girl.jpg: 17 year old rape victim after a maggot facial peeling.
acaljpeg.zip: A Calendar of an old bitch dying. She's not amused.
pigfuck.jpg: The naughty farmer licks his pig in the arse.
28cat-0?.jpg: Bestiality catalogue.
dcum.jpg: A stylish 70's dog cock suck.

Makes your mouth water, doesn't it? There might be more or less pics
depending on the status of the tug-o-war between the noble freethinkers
and tiny penised narrowminded censors with small brains and small shoes.

Other sources for AT lit are: ftp.spies.com /Library/Fringe/Gross, but
frankly, it sucks. /Library/Untech is probably more appealing.
Good tasteless comedy is available from cathouse.org /pub/cathouse/
Look for "Bottom" and "Derek&Clive".
You'll also be able to find the exploding whale news story in .AVI
format there as: /pub/cathouse/urban.legends/gif/whale.avi
and there are even some posts by Bob Christ inappropriately misplaced
under /humor.


   3. Sources?

      John Nash ([e-mail]) collects pointers to tasteless WWW home
pages (comp.infosystems.www will tell you what that is). Make use of his service,
and expand it, you cunt.
http://nyx10.cs.du.edu:8001/~jnash/alt.tasteless.html
Details in his monthly posting on the subject: "Alt.tasteless WWW FAQ".

Rocqueforte "Rocky" O'Leary ([e-mail]) does the same thing at
http://www.st.nepean.uws.edu.au/~rocky/tasteless.html

You are hereby also strongly recommended Grumpy the Dwarfs ([e-mail].
com.au) "Alt.tasteless Who is Who?", a monthly posting including tips on how to
deal with idiot posters, and the alt.tasteless hall of fame, the Who's Who.

You can get the Roadkill Calendar by sending 7$ to
                     and the "Penises of the Animal Kingdom" poster is 11$ from:
Jeanie M
Box 52               Scientific Novelty  Co
Valhalla, NY 10595   Post Office   Box  673    Archie McPhee
                     Bloomington, IN  47402    Outfitters of Popular Culture
                     [phone].           P.O. Box 30852
                                               Seattle, WA  98103  USA
                                               [phone]
                                               should also be able to deliver
a good number of tasteless things (blow up mosquitoes and the like).


    4. Flames?

       Tedious, aren't they? Some can elevate it to an art (alt.flame/talk.bizarre
91 and 92, alt.peeves 93 and 94). If you can too, flame away.

    5. Newsgroup Invasions.

       Freaking out normal people with our hideousness has a long tradition in
alt.tasteless. The first recorded a.t. NI was Rauli Lauhanens one-man invasion of
talk.abortion, talk.rape and soc.motts. Dec 13th 1991 he told alt.tasteless that
he was about to invade the faggot/lesbian/religious fundamentalist groups using
his new account. On Dec 17th he posted a series of highly offensive rants/stories
the first being:

From: [e-mail] (Lauhanen Rauli)
Newsgroups: talk.abortion,talk.rape,soc.motss,alt.tasteless
Subject: Re: Homosexuality and Rape
Summary: Also women have the right to be raped !

They all got cancelled, and he lost the account (temporarily).

Rec.pets.cats was first targetted as a deserving havoc spot in Mar 93, and
war was declared. On the front line we found

From: [e-mail] (Mark A. Pitcher)
Newsgroups: alt.tasteless
Subject: WAR PROGRESS REPORT: A.T. vs R.P.C.

But the hardest (and most publicised) battle was that in september instigated by
Adam Steele ([e-mail]), with Trashcan Man ([e-mail]) doing the
hardest work, and losing his student account in the process. Read all about it on
his home page http://www.cc.columbia.edu/~ct22/index.html. Or gopher to wired.com
for /2.05/Features/The War Between rec.pets.cats and a.t. Or get the std_pack from
the ftp-site.

Before embarking on a NI consider if it'll be fun enough to be worthwhile. Usually
it won't. At present it definately won't.

Actually AT is invaded from time to time by clueless newbies, some being
professional clueless newbies who take pleasure in pushing the buttons that
starts stupid, tiring flamewars with the same old tired nominally tasteless
imagery. If you want to punish them, do it silently somewhere where you won't
look like a fool. Old timers know how to do this.


    6. What is this shit eating picture, that everybody keeps referring to?

       Probably hb2a.gif or hb6.gif, the most common names for two pictures of a
woman pinching a loaf into the mouth of a man. It's sort of an alt.tasteless
idol, and it appears under many names. Personally I've glued the two together
and called it crap.jpg. But they're quite good, actually. Ftp-site.


    7. Aren't you all a bunch of 15 year old wankers?

       A 1992 survey fixed the average a.t subscribers age at 27 years and a
1993 survey fixed the average weight at 200 pounds (but that's an altogether
different matter). A 1994 survey then corrected the average age to 27.53 years, and
the average weight to 184.8 pounds. 89.4% considered themselves male. All were
wankers, and 92.1% admits to having beaten off in a public place. Ftp-site: intro.zip


    8. Tasteless Secret Santa?

   "The Tasteless Secret Santa Gift exchange" is a cosy seasonal activity
conducted by the motherly Pamela Beth Ryba (Pamelush to friends - [e-mail]
to your mail program). It's about sharing tastelessness across geographic and
governmental borders, and involves you sending a package to someone in a furrin
land. The 1993 exchange was a great success and included nearly eighty people
all over the world. Pam already has a long list of people signed up for next
year, and refers to the project as an AT institution. Write her if you'd like to
join, or just want to get some cheap and tawdry email sex.


    9. Awards? I've heard something about awards being given out, and of people
       struggling to be Mr. Alt.Tasteless.

       That is the case. Every year we try to decide who to honour for their
efforts in the group. During the year you're encouraged to save nominations
grouped in the following categories:

         1. fiction
         2. non-fiction
         3. quote
         4. flame             [i.e. too long to be just a quote]
         5. concepts          [e.g. Mr. Lings fetal cookbook]
         6. ordinary life     [e.g. Jack in the box]
         7. gif-image         [from alt.binaries.pictures.tasteless]

Then, near election time someone, perhaps Mike Weber ([e-mail]),
will step forward and ask for your nominations.


   10. Is there an a.t masonic style greeting?

       Yup. Pretend to wipe your ass, then give the fellow your hand. The call
for distress is "Will nobody help the widows son fuck his dead father!?". This
will usually give you all the help you want.
       The tough guys greet each other by both blowing their noses onto their
hands, then shake with them, with the collective snots being squished out around
the edges. After separation, the licking of the hand is optional. Only known to
be in use in Australia.


   11. I want to become an alt.tastelesser? How?

Posess, use and flaunt: A sick sense of humour.

Optional:

Get: As much as you can from the ftp-site.


   12. I'd like to have an academically waterproof excuse for reading a.t.

       The book is called "Kritik der reinen Vernunft" and is written by
Peter Sloterdijk. It might be translated to your language. The book is about
cynisism, the ancient and wonderful approach to life. It's well-written,
funny and astoundingly learned. Adorno in a good mood.
       You should also try to get "Rabelais and his world" by Mikhail Bakhtin.
It's not an easy read, but it tells you about life in the middle age, a
wonderful age comparable to our own on many counts.


| OTHER DOCUMENTS WORTH A LOOK:
(all to be found in news.answers as monthly postings...perhaps)

Newsgroups: talk.bizarre,news.answers
Subject: Welcome to talk.bizarre!  (Monthly Posting)
Summary:
    o Before posting, read the group for a couple of months. Get to
      know who is posting and what kind of things are considered funny.

    o Ask yourself why you want to post. Is it to impress us all with
      what a red-hot, hip individual you are?  If so, you may want to
      consider moving to another group.

|   o Remember that about 90% of the stuff on this group is
      crap, and if your article is not in the top 10% then it is
      probably crap as well. If you are still convinced that the
      majority of readers on the group will enjoy your dry and subtle
      wit, then post.

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Answers to Frequently Asked Questions
Summary: Shit ==
Contentless "me too" or "I agree" postings (should have used email).
Posts with many lines of attribution and a single word or line added
agreeing or disagreeing. [like cascades]

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: A Primer on How to Work With the Usenet Community
Summary: of Things to Remember
       Never forget that the person on the other side is human
       Don't blame system admins for their users' behavior
       Be careful what you say about others
       Be brief
       Your postings reflect upon you; be proud of them
       Use descriptive titles
       Think about your audience
       Only post a message once
       Summarize what you are following up
|      Use mail, don't post a follow-up
       Read all follow-ups and don't repeat what has already been said
       Double-check follow-up newsgroups and distributions.
       Be careful about copyrights and licenses
       Cite appropriate references
       When summarizing, summarize
       Spelling flames considered harmful
       Don't overdo signatures
       Limit line length and avoid control characters

Newsgroups: news.announce.newusers,news.answers
Subject: Hints on writing style for Usenet
Summary:
 * Subject lines should be used very carefully. How much time have you
   wasted reading articles with a misleading subject line?  The "Subject:"
   header line can be edited in all the various posting programs
   (as can the "Distribution:", "Newsgroups:" and "Followup-To:" header
   lines).

 * Remember - this is an international network.

 * Remember - your current or future employers may be reading your
   articles. So might your spouse, neighbors, children, and others
   who will long-remember your gaffes.

 Well then, end of FAQ, but as this is alt.tasteless and you have bothered to
read all the way, you are hereby rewarded with a good tasteless post:

        So, one century ago one huge whale died, hopefully dehydrated after
loosing too much pus from some infectious desease. Its vile corpse may have
been rotting for months in the middle of the sea. Dozens of sharks may have
got at once inside the carcass, biting randomly in a frenzy at the awfully
smelling straps of intestinal tissue, taking care of not swallowing the
repulsive gas-bloated fat. Even the maggots would avoid the oil-oozing
nasty blubber while eating the sickening skin. Eventually, this inmense
cover of malodorous grease detached from the discusting skeleton and
floated in the sea, getting rid of such a repugnant stink that no animal
dared to munch at it, and eventually washed up on a beach. For 100 years,
no one dared to get too close to the toxic mess, so everybody was only too
happy to say it was a giant octopus and they left it at that. And finally,
after 100 years, the god-damned smell had diminished enough so that one
bold person could look at it and realize it was not an octopus.
        There is some moral to this tale. That nature-daring,
stench-fearless, morbidness-driven necro-voyeur, tasteless sick, twisted
fuck was, of course, a scientist.

        Santi

      T H E  C H U R C H  O F  D I V I N E  T A S T E L E S S N E S S